Time to Back up a Bit
I have been thinking about my past few posts. I am also realizing that it can be offending many. Honestly I write for my own personal journey and reflection. I have always chosen to be a honest writer, to share my feelings and emotions because I feel it does a disservice to hide behind a masked face all the time, telling everyone life is perfect while you may be crumbling on the inside.
I also laugh a bit because I write not knowing if anyone will even read my words, it is for my benefit. I write to keep a public journal of my life. If and when I pass from this world I want to leave my children my words, my hopes, my fears and my experiences. Even when I was a child I wrote and wrote in journals. I have a box in storage full of journals. My way to process life and what is going on in my mind is to write as a artist may use their paintings to express themselves.
The next few posts I want to reflect on how I came to this point in my life… spiritually especially. For those who know me years ago knew the same personal really. A person who has always loved life, who has taken risks her entire life however I am a very different person spiritually.
My writings, my reflections may shock people, hurt and disappoint others and even cause fear. Fear of my eternal damnation to hell some would believe. I get it, I was there on the other side looking at others who did not believe the way I believed.
So this is why I want to go backwards… explain a bit why and how I am who I am today. Why I have made a very drastic change and yet why I feel so overwhelmingly happy and content these days.
So I will try and rewind a bit , maybe it will help me figure out as well how I came from believing I would be a poor pastors wife or missionary to my life turning out very differently.
I grew up in a very Christian home. I was raised that Jesus was the son of God, that we needed to be born again to gain entrance into Heaven. I was very much a perfectionists and as I look back I see that it was because I had such a fear of sinning and if the rapture came and I wasn’t forgiven of all my sins that day I could be left here on Earth… alone and a sinner.
All day long I would pray always asking for my sins to be forgiven. I remember one day I think I was 14 maybe or 15. My friend and I snuck into an R rated movie. It was my first real sneaky thing I had done. I was a pretty over the top goodie two shoes! The entire movie I was terrified the rapture was going to happen and I was going to go to hell.
I went on my first mission trip when I was sixteen. It was such an awesome experience. I loved preaching to people and sharing the good news. I felt it was my calling to live in third world countries and preach and change people. Mold them and shape them into what God truly wanted them to be. To share with them the only way to heaven and to save them from Hell.
This cycle continued over and over through Jr. High and into High School. I became Chaplain my senior year and I loved being a light to others wherever I went. But I still feared of not living up to God each and every day. I thought it was normal actually.
When I was eighteen I saved my graduation money up and went to Africa on another mission trip. It was an experience of a lifetime. Truly it changed my life that trip. I loved the people and my heart was full of passion for all that I met. I continued to fervently share the good news as all Christians must do. I believed with everything that was in me, that I would one day live overseas and be a missionary. It was my calling.
That trip however I fell in love for the first time. I came home knowing that I would be a married women before the year was over. I had found my soul mate and we would be poor missionaries together. I just knew it. A year later I was married in a church and I fully expected we would be poor and living overseas.
But that just didn’t happen…. my life has turned out very differently but my marriage day was just the beginning of a new course in my life… I just had no idea at the time.