Letting Go Of Fear Is Hard
I have not been on here in awhile. I have been swamped and honestly stressed out of my mind. My last surgery was November 30th, 2009. Two days later I was working on a state application to open my new center in the Bay Area.
So began the crazy journey of opening up a school in eight weeks. The past two months have been a whirlwind to say the least. I began to stress and let things get the best of me. When I moved forward with this new school my goal was to not let stress get to me. It is a crazy cycle really. I know or at least I think that stress may have been a huge part of my cancer in the first place, so I am always trying not to be stressed. But then I find myself stressing because I am stressed. Make sense? Not really.
Two weeks ago my body gave out on me. I was so emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. My mind was in a battle that my body could not win. My mind understood that this crazy time would pass. My mind understood that I was grateful for this opportunity, grateful for a job. My mind understood that I should “Let Go and Let God” but my body reacted much differently. By blogging almost a year ago, I did so to be honest with the good and the bad.
This past two weeks have been bad. My body has been so ill with worry. I let the stress of the start of the new business get to me, I overworked myself and lost 10lbs in the end. (may be good, depending on how you look at it 😉
Finally last week I shut it all off, I had to step away from being a CEO, from being a teacher. I had to shut everyone out. I was in a war with my mind, and the negative fearful side was winning.
As I shut everyone out I have been controlling my fear and each day letting go once again. I am realizing that I am in the limbo stage of this cancer thing. My treatments are officially over, I am cancer free. But inside I live with the ever growing fear that my doctors missed something. I live with a constant nagging that cancer is still in me and that I am still dying. That is honesty, that is my mind struggle for the past two months. Maybe expanding my business right now was not the best idea, or maybe it was. It was and is a success so I have to stand firm that it was meant to be.
What is not meant to be is me living in constant fear. Fear that I am stressed, fear that my stress is growing new cancer cells. Fear that I will fail in my business. Fear can kill a person. Fear can eat a person alive. This is how I have been feeling, like my body is eating itself alive.
So I shut my staff out, I have left people hanging. I have been trying to swim, and have been sinking further and further under the water. By shutting people out I am beginning to swim again, beginning to find my way out of the water.
I have not dealt with my cancer fully. I have not dealt yet with being done with treatment and wondering what now. My one year diagnosis day is sneaking up, so cancer has consumed my mind. I will be honest and admit I need help… I need the tools to let cancer go. I no longer want to be identified as cancer. I no longer want to live in constant fear that the doctors missed something and that I am actually dying. I want to live my life, I want to adopt if that is in the cards, I want to finish my novel and I want to open another school (down the road, no way in hell right now 😉
I want to not feel sick every time I eat, or nervous when the phone rings thinking it is bad news. I want to live in the moment once again, I want to not only know how grateful I am but believe it too.
After spending the day in my sweats, not answering any phones or emails I can feel myself coming out of the darkness that overtook me for the past few weeks. I cleaned my house, organized pantries and started to claim my house once again. Today I realized that I had not really cleaned or organized my house since before my diagnosis. This past year has been just crazy to say the least.
This week I am looking forward to relaxing, thinking, meditating, talking and allowing myself to cry when I need too, laugh when I need too and just be me… Amber.
Sorry to those I have shut out, but in realty I know that to be my best I need time away. Leaving a cancer diagnosis behind is a hard thing, walking forward after treatment may be harder than the diagnosis itself. Learning to trust your medical team is difficult especially after they missed your symptoms for so long in the first place.
Moving forward is hard, two steps forward and one step backwards. Overall I have done well, or at least I think. So today I admit I took one very GIANT step backwards on the past few weeks. But I am looking forward to taking two steps forward in the next week.