Can I make it a week without seeing a Dr.?

Can I make it a week without seeing a Dr.?

So it has been awhile since I updated, I am trying really hard to move forward and not look backwards. I am trying hard to not have my whole life revolve around cancer….

It is summer and I am really enjoying this time with my 4 kids…. they are growing so fast and I am realizing this each day as we spend time with each other.

Today I was thinking about reaching a day or a week where I do not have to pull out my kaiser card and check into a Dr.s apt. It seems that even though I am NED, even though I am cancer free I still go at least once or twice a week for something. Big sigh….

Going to the oncology department is the hardest department for me. I find that I have to sit in the waiting room constantly trying to hold back the tears. “How did I get so lucky? Why is it not me, sitting in the back hooked up to the chemo machines? Why am I not bald? Then I get an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I know that I dodged a bullet this time, that for some odd reason I got to my cancer just in time. Most days I still can’t believe I found it just in time, I can’t believe that after everything is said and done, I am ok now. Believe me… I do not take this for granted for one second.

After leaving oncology I usually have a huge break down by the time I make it to my car. I can’t believe I am a patient, I can’t believe that I missed the bullet and I can’t believe that forever now I will constantly be looking over my back, wondering when and where it will appear again.

Hearing over and over, “we are so concerned with your age and it coming back” I cannot help but feel like it is coming back and next time I will be the person in the chemo chair. Am I calling this on myself? I don’t think so… I am a realistic person, I understand that already the statistics worked against me, I understand when my Onc tells me he should not be seeing me yet because I am so young. I understand when my surgeons tell me they could not get all of my breast tissue and my cancer was high grade so it still may come back. I get all of this… and I have to face it.

So I want to make sure each project I choose to work on counts for something, each time spent with my kids will be remembered. I am healthy today, I can swim and garden and next week take a road trip with my kids. Next year I may not be… so even with all of my doubts about statistics and being cancer free I do acknowledge that today I am good! So I will take it and enjoy it.

Maybe one day I won’t have to go to the Dr. each week, one day I wont’ have to see all the usual faces I am now accustomed too, but it is ok, because it is those people who have made me ok now… it is those people who want me to suceed and to not see me again either.

Today I feel so lucky… so grateful and then so sad at the same time. So sad that so many others have to go through so much worse, other friends are waiting on results on scans, or finding out that the cancer has spread into their livers and bones, getting the news that there is nothing else the doctors can do. In all of this I understand way to well now… .that one day I can hear those very words…. and this is why I am grateful that today I am healthy!

Comments ( 2 )

  • Hi Amber,
    You posted a comment on my blog. As I read your comments to me, I was so touched that you would take the time to reach out to me. Thank you for that.
    And speaking from one who the “cancer bullet” ripped apart to one that the bullet just grazed, I admire the perspective and wisdom that you have found. Live each day fully as you have been. Don’t feel guilty that you aren’t bald and didn’t have chemo. God has a plan for each of us, and we are in His hands.

    Even though the worry and stress of recurrance has you looking over your shoulder, remember that each day is a gift. My favorite quote is “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that is why it is called the present”-Eleanor Roosevelt.

    I wish you all the best. God bless you on your journey!
    Love, Amber Chase

  • Amber…
    I too found your website once before today also i believe and then found it today again. I think I was meant to find it today.

    I loved your perspective and pray that as you walk further and further out of this that you can more fully love and live whatever today holds.

    I too am a bc survivor (2b) and am glad for today. one of my favorite quotes is: be happy for this moment, this moment is your life :). helps me not to worry about what never may be or look back too much…but to be grateful for right now :).

    also wishing you the best in your journey :).

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