Day #4 Reality Sinking In….
I think the reality of what is to come is finally sinking in. I had a very sleepless night last night. When I did fall asleep I remember dreaming of my results. I was stage 2 and they were going to start me on a medicine that started with a Herceptin. Not sure really what that is exactly since it was only a dream. But maybe possibly I am on research overdrive!
Forrest and I both are realizing the seriousness of this diagnosis. I feel fine, look fine then it hits me out of the blue that I have cancer. It is really a strange journey. So many emotions. I decided the moment I heard the words, the biopsy was positive that I would be an open book. As an open book you must know that I am terrified. I have tried to keep the what if’s out of my mind, but at times especially when I am alone, they slowly creep in. There are so many what if’s at this point.
I have only had a biopsy and a mammogram. The mammogram at this point showed a couple of areas of concern, and the tech got quiet as she was taking films of my chest wall area. The majority of my pain is near my chest. She said she thinks she saw something in that area as well.
I never thought I would want a weekend to fly by, but as I try to remember to be in this moment, I also want to fast forward to Wednesday at 3 p.m. when I meet with my surgeon. I want my surgery to be scheduled, I want to know the results of my MRI, and I want the surgeon to cut me open as soon as possible, test my lymph nodes and give me clear answers.
I keep reminding myself to take a deep breath. I am again so thankful to all of you who have shared your support, it really means so much to not only me but to my family. We have told our kids, they are young and really have no clue the magnitude of the news, thankfully. Our lives are on hold for a few days until we get a better picture but I am so thankful I have my kids to keep my head out of the fog!
I am holding off on any more research, I think I have a good perspective on what may or may not happen. I am also preparing myself for possible radiation as well as possible chemo. I just don’t want to be too shocked by anything.
I will leave this post with a quote I came across a couple of months ago,
you have for sure.”